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April 19, 2005
man dates
Last week, I got really very angry at an article in the New York Times entitled 'Man Dates'. I was going to let it go, just grumbling at anyone who met me last weekend, but it's been reprinted and expanded on by several other newspapers, lastly the Observer this Sunday.
First of all, what is a man date?
Simply defined a man date is two heterosexual men socializing without the crutch of business or sports. It is two guys meeting for the kind of outing a straight man might reasonably arrange with a woman.
So, three men is good or bad? What about a gay man and two straight men? Because this was the situation last weekend. Other rules broken: I brought up the concept of man dates, I paid for their drinks and food, oh, and we were naked, for it was in a Finnish sauna.
Line crossed yet?
Thankfully, the people I know have no problem with anything that the article construes as man dates. Most of the reactions, both in the paper, and on the Internet, are people of diff'rent strokes basically boggling at the concept, or that this is in any way news, a problem, or a trend (my favourite reaction is probably that this is part of the Gay Agenda to make straight men feel more uncomfortable in social situations).
But whilst you could be flippant, and dismiss it, it shines a very narrow spotlight at the male insecurity, and homophobia, that still exist, even if underportrayed in mass media.
I don't make a big deal of the fact I'm gay, and certainly people don't really seem to guess. This means, for better or for worse, I get exposed to what it's like to be straight, with a suprising amount of assumption and extrapolation by others. Tom takes a different approach, letting people know quite early on of meeting him. I certainly see the advantages, but I've worried this means that some people pussyfoot around you. I prefer to get to know people warts and all, and when they do find out (I don't lie), I've never had someone have an issue with it. Call me a selfish ethnographer if you wish...
To say that we live in some ultra-accepting society patently isn't true. Gay is still a slur, or a word spat out derogatorily. Both sides of the coin often seem to want to perpetuate gayness as a single point of difference. I remain confused as to what a gay lifestyle is. My life isn't a single issue. But the media seems to like boiling issues down to black and white. Gender is exactly the same - reduced to 1970sesque soundbites in programmes such as this. "Men without their womenfolk! How will they cope?" Please! It's this reductionist attitude that means the real issues aren't brought out onto the table, and the real root causes of male (and female, and gay, and straight, and human) insecurity in the modern Western world.
Anyway, let's take apart some of the man date rules:
The first rule of man dating is... you don't mention the man date. Friend will instantly feel uncomfortable.
Far better to sit in uncomfortable silence whilst macho posturing.
At the cinema, always keep a spare seat between you and your mate, especially if the film stars Hugh Grant or Vin Diesel.
You certainly don't want anyone to think you went to see such an awful film as xXx.
In a restaurant, order at least one dish that includes red meat.
And force your friend to get the quiche. This will let everyone know who is who in the relationship. (I once got asked, several times, in a security interview "so, in your relationship, who is the male and who is the female?". Whilst trying very hard not to burst out in laughter, I explained that, well, it isn't really like that... I decided at that point that the place probably wasn't where I wanted to be).
Avoid sitting directly opposite your pal if at all possible.
Wrong, wrong, wrong. There is nothing gayer than sitting next to 'your pal' - not only is it far easier to hold hands, but it means you both get the opportunity to scan the room.
Extinguish table candles and remove any flower decorations.
Preferably by throwing them as quickly as possible at the waiter who is making eyes at you. Or hiding them in your manbag.
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